Stay-at-Homer Stoner-Pizza: Celebrity Edition

Maverick and Lady Gaga with Morgan Freeman Narrating:

Morgan Freeman clears his throat. “In kitchens, as in life, control is an illusion, but we try anyway.” He is standing behind the counter, nodding like he knows everything, which, of course, he does.

Maverick leans over the pizza dough, leather jacket still on, hair perfectly windswept despite being indoors. “We need speed. This dough? It’s going to fly.” He slaps it once for effect. The dough flops onto the counter like it’s had a rough day.

Lady Gaga appears from a puff of glittery smoke. “Speed is cute. But presentation? Darling, presentation kills.” She flings mushrooms into the air, catching a few on the pizza with a flourish, ignoring the ones that land in Maverick’s lap.

Morgan Freeman narrates: “And so began the culinary ballet of chaos. The cheese melted, the mushrooms danced, and the dough… sighed in resignation.”

Maverick tries to slide the pizza onto the preheated stone. It slips. He yells something dramatic about G-forces, but Lady Gaga is too busy making sure the toppings look fabulous.

The oven door slams shut. Maverick salutes it. Lady Gaga poses dramatically. The pizza bakes. The cheese bubbles. The mushrooms are brown. The kitchen smells like triumph and mild chaos. There is sauce and cheese everywhere. Maverick ate the mushrooms that fell.

Morgan Freeman, nodding slowly: “And now, the most important step. The cannabis-infused olive oil… not in the oven, not while the cheese bubbles, but at the very end. A gentle drizzle over the finished pizza, like adding the final brushstroke to a masterpiece. Too much, and it overwhelms. Too little, and the universe frowns. Just right, and joy is delivered.”

They remove the pizza from the stone. Lady Gaga performs a twirl with a ‘Ta-Da’ bow.

Maverick tries not to drop a slice. 

Morgan Freeman leans back, satisfied: “And when they finally cut it, the slices were perfect in their imperfection. Each bite is a combination of thrill, glamour, and that subtle, measured hint of cannabis… a reminder that even in chaos, one can find joy.”

Serve immediately. Preferably standing, with dramatic flair, and absolutely no cannabis oil in the oven. That’s a crime against pizza and science alike.

Here’s the Recipe:

Stay-at-Homer Stoner-Pizza

Mushrooms, Cheese, and a Drizzle That Absolutely Does Not Go in the Oven 

There are two kinds of people in winter. People who go out. And people who stay home, turn the oven up as high as it will go, and decide pizza is a personality trait. This recipe is for the second group. Pants optional. Couch nearby. The shirt is already doomed.

This is a real pizza. Not a novelty pizza. Not a joke pizza. The joke is the person eating it, standing over the counter, chewing too fast, wondering how the sauce got on their shirt when they were being extremely careful. 

Important note: before we begin. The special THC olive oil does not go in the oven. 

The oven is hot enough. The oven has done enough in its life. The drizzle happens at the end, right before eating, when judgment is already compromised but still present. 

What you need

• One ball of pizza dough, store-bought and proud of it
• 1/2 cup pizza sauce or crushed tomatoes
• 1 tablespoon regular olive oil
• 1 clove garlic, grated or smashed into submission
• Salt or Garlic Salt
• 1 1/2 cups shredded mozzarella
• Optional fresh mozzarella if you feel fancy and motivated
• 1 1/2 cups mushrooms, (sliced + PRE-COOKED)
• Black pepper, (or red pepper flakes, or both, or jalapeno powder…)

• Canna-infused olive oil, measured like you respect yourself, or not

Oven setup, also known as the reason this works

Put a pizza stone in the oven while it is cold. Turn the oven to 500 degrees or as close to it as it safely goes. Let that stone heat for at least 30 minutes. This is not the time to rush. This is the time to stand around thinking about pizza.

Mushrooms, the unsung heroes

Do not throw raw mushrooms on the pizza and hope for the best. They will leak water and ruin the vibe. Cook them in a pan with a little olive oil until the moisture evaporates, and they begin to brown. Season lightly. Let them cool so they do not immediately destroy the cheese ecosystem. 

Build the pizza

Stretch the dough gently with your hands. No rolling pin. This is pizza, not a spreadsheet. Put it on parchment paper so you do not panic later. Brush the edges with REGULAR olive oil. The Good Stuff Goes On Last! Spread a thin layer of sauce. Thin means thin. Add the cheese. Add the mushrooms. Add fresh mozzarella if using. Crack black pepper over everything like you know what you are doing.

Bake it

Slide the pizza onto the hot stone. Bake for 7 to 10 minutes until the cheese bubbles and the crust looks proud of itself. Rotate once if needed. Remove from the oven and let it sit for one minute. You might have to fight everyone off for a moment. This pause prevents regret later.

The drizzle, also known as the moment of truth.

NOW you drizzle the canna-infused olive oil lightly over the top. Lightly means lightly. If your oil is 5 mg per teaspoon, start with half a teaspoon across the entire pizza. You can add more to your slice. You cannot take it back from the pizza.

Eat immediately! 

Slice it. Eat it standing up. Notice how the cheese stretches, and the mushrooms taste deeply savory, and somehow, inexplicably, the sauce has reached your shirt. Sit down eventually. Smile. This is not fast food. This is stay-at-home food. The kind that makes winter behave itself.

#CannabisInfusedRecipes #CookingWithCannabis #InfusedRecipes #StonerPizza #BestCopyNow

Need the canna-oil recipe? It’s Below Here or you can go to https://bit.ly/cannacoconutoil

#stonerpizza #pizza #infusedrecipes #canabispizza #bestcopynow

Weed & Infusing into Oils:

Coconut Oil for Cannabis Cooking

Cooking just got a lot more interesting. Try infusing your foods with cannabis in your coconut cooking oil. 

Cannabis needs a “fat” or “oil” to infuse properly. For this post, we specified coconut oil, but you can use most oils in your pantry. 

 Ingredients:

* 1 gram cannabis flower

* 1/2 cup neutral oil* (such as refined coconut, vegetable, canola, olive, or grapeseed oil) 

*Oil goes rancid, especially when infused with organic materials. Please don’t make too much, so you can use it quickly or store it in the fridge for up to a month.

• Prep time20 minutes
• Cook time45 minutes
• makes⅓ cup (160 milligrams THC total; 30 milligrams THC per tablespoon)

Coconut oil for cannabis cooking

Move over, cannabutter. Weed-infused coconut oil packs the potency without the animal fat for plant-based edibles. Nearly pure fat, coconut oil effortlessly binds to the cannabinoids in weed and has a higher smoke point than some other oils. Use refined coconut oil for a more neutral flavor. 

Unlike butter, which contains water, coconut oil can be heated above its boiling point (212°F) for faster infusion. Once infused, this oil can be used in any baking recipe. Beyond coconut, this technique works with any neutral oil, from vegetable to grapeseed.

For a more or less potent oil, use more or less cannabis flower, then calculate the dose. As with all edibles, dosing is tricky because there is always a loss during decarboxylation, infusion, and cooking. 

Assuming the flower contains 20 percent THC after decarboxylation and infusion (calculating a 20 percent loss), this oil doses at 160 milligrams for ⅓ cup of oil, or 30 milligrams per tablespoon. (Some oil loss occurs in the process, so ½ cup of oil typically turns into ⅓ cup.) 

To calculate the individual dose of a recipe, divide the THC by the amount of coconut oil used in the final yield. For example, a cake calling for ⅓ cup of oil, yielding 24 servings, will land just below 7 milligrams of THC per piece.

To use hash, follow the same method of decarboxylation, but use less hash, testing upwards of 40 percent THC—and simply whisk the activated hash into the warm oil. To achieve the same potency at 40 percent, you’d want to use ½ gram of hash. Dry-sifted hash works better in the kitchen than pressed hash. 

For the distillate, weigh out ⅕ gram onto a piece of parchment, then place it in the freezer to harden so you can easily add it to the warm oil; whisk to fully homogenize. Distillate potency ranges from 70 to 90 percent THC and comes fully activated. At 80 percent THC, ⅕ gram of distillate translates to 160 milligrams of THC.

 Directions:

1.   Heat the oven to 245°F.
2.   Break up the flower into smaller pieces using your hands to expose more surface area to the heat; the pieces should break off like florets of broccoli.
3.   Bundle the broken-up flowers in parchment. Wrap this parchment pouch in foil or place it in an airtight, oven-safe silicone bag (I use Stasher), then put it in a small baking dish. Bake for 25 to 30 minutes. (After 20 minutes, roughly 70% of the THCA will be converted to THC; after 30 minutes, 80%. If this is your first time making edibles, I’d recommend a cook time that’s on the lower end of the range.)
4.   Remove the sheet pan from the oven and let the flowers cool at room temperature.
5.   Using a grinder, grind the decarboxylated, cooled flowers. (You can also chop by hand with a knife and a cutting board.) They should be ground to medium—coarse like coffee, not espresso. Use the decarbed, ground cannabis right away.
6.   To a small saucepan (or a DIY double boiler—a heatproof bowl set over a pot of simmering water), combine the decarboxylated ground weed and the oil. Cook over low heat for 15 minutes. A candy or instant-read thermometer ensures the oil temperature doesn’t exceed 245°F.
7.     Set a fine-mesh strainer over a heatproof bowl. Pour the infused oil into the strainer, then use a spoon to press the solids to extract as much oil as possible. Let cool thoroughly and use immediately, or refrigerate it up to one month in an airtight container. 

#caking #coconutoil #cannabiscoconutoil #BestCopyNow 

#coconut #vegetableoil #canolaoil #oliveoil #grapeseedoil #cannabiscooking

              Author Notes—Vanessa Lavorato from FOOD52 blog